She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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