im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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