i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
