Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
