Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
