I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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