That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
