I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
