she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
