the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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