Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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