Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
