Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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