There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
sarcasm needs its own font
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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