If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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