Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
