My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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