I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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