I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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