never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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