i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
