Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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