Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
