Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Randomize
