just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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