I love black thongs
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I wish there were birth control emojis
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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