I love black thongs
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I wish there were birth control emojis
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
