After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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