I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
