you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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