How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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