I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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