my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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