The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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