Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
