he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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