they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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