Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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