The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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