Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
