Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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