just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
