I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
