VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
