I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
50% drunk capacity currently
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love you. Go after that dick
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
