I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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