We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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