Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
PANTIES FOUND
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
