so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
