I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
