is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
