I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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